I Stood Five Feet From Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Column

Prominence is important. Proximity to prominence is imperative. Not everyone can be prominent. Not everyone can possess access or contacts. Befriending someone of prominence, ingratiating yourself within their circle, affords importance, opportunity, and reputation. (And before anyone writes complaining that the title insults Fall Out Boy, Sugar Bar, or the evening, the title is a play on a Fall Out Boy song)…

Within thirty minutes of my arrival (some of which was twittered, some of which was not), Park Street Patio and Sugar were swarmed with stars… The Famed Four, Co-Owners Chris Corso, Mike Gallichio, and Brian Swanson and Promotions Superstar Randy Haffey were expected… R Bar Co-Owners Mike and Natalie Darr, who were seated at a table in the lower mezzanine, were not… McFadden’s General Manager Damien Fuller, who was enjoying a drink, was not…

Also not expected was Onyx Promotions Superstar and Nightlife Notable Randee, who I encountered as she stood flummoxed, unable to cross between venues… Why was she unable to cross? Sugar’s security person was carrying out his assignment (also known as acting like an…)… Randee and I spoke for five minutes, as she waited, discussing her upcoming Models and Moguls event, Onyx Thursday and Saturday evenings, and city buzz…

Finally, she was allowed to traverse the hallway between Sugar Bar and Park Street Patio… I’ll return to discussing her in moments, but for this moment, let me address a previous sentence… Sugar Bar’s security people are professional and I understand they have responsibilities… However, people skills wouldn’t injure them and they aren’t that hard to master…

A craft which is hard to master is mixing… However, Gonzo has succeeded… I encountered the national sensation in Park Street Patio, as he celebrated his nationwide syndication and prepared for the other half of the Fall Out Boy After Party… Gonzo’s peppiness, which normally can exhaust red bull, was obvious this evening… It’s not as if anyone ever questioned his talent, but this announcement (which you can read above if you haven’t already) was validation he has always deserved…

After twenty minutes of watching Gonzo dart between activities and darting between activities myself, DJ Triple A, Randee, and myself convened below Park Street Patio’s stage… Intermittently, Gonzo joined the conversation as we discussed the evening and various venues… I’m certain I’ve said this previously, but if I haven’t I should have… The access to these conversations, the camaraderie between the Generation 1 a.m. working set is the only reward I will ever require from this occupation…

Speaking of rewards, the Ultimate Vodka Party was a perfect diversion as both Park Street Patio and Sugar Bar awaited Fall Out Boy’s arrival. I was told (and I cant imagine this is true) that the Ultimate Vodka Party was the evening’s attraction, that Pete Wentz and company were merely an occurrence… I assume some of the venue superstars who I have mentioned appeared strictly for research… Yet, I can’t fathom someone planning their evening out around an alcohol and not a celebrity…

What I also can’t fathom is doughnut holes, an item which cost $2.50 (not $1.77 as I twittered), as a venue desert item… Apparently, Corso can… We sample the moist morsels, which are scrumptious (would I pay what he wants to charge, likely not) and discuss the NBA and NHL playoffs… In his estimation, the Detroit Red Wings win game seven over Anaheim…

In my estimation, this crowd was not Sugar Bar’s most iconic… I twittered every second of Brody Jenner and Donnie Wahlberg’s appearances… Jenner’s included marginally passable walkways and limited dance floor and mezzanine space…. Wahlberg’s crushed every area with only a minimal walkway on the stairs… Tonight, the upper mezzanine and couch area were swarmed… The lower mezzanine and dance floor were merely buzzed…

Now, I know what you’re thinking… I’m not using the word crushed, because I am judging Sugar Bar on the basis of those other two events… I am and I won’t apologize for this… The thing about expectations is that when you perform well, they increase and you have to match them… Why not simply decrease expectations? Because that’s not the way expectations work… Performers who perform must perform or sentences as were typed above get typed…

Am I labeling Sugar Bar’s evening a failure? I am not… I am simply stating the obvious… This crowd did not match previous productions and thus, did not meet expectations… The evening was exemplary… It was one worthy of praise and a lengthy column (which you are reading right now)… However, Jenner topped other nights and Walhberg topped Jenner… This topped neither…

Following two hours, one hundred stars, and a dozen scary heifers (we’ll talk crowd composition shortly, I know you’re awaiting my opinion), Fall Out Boy arrived… Unlike Jenner and Walhberg, the crowd didn’t suffocate them… A Secret Service phalanx wasn’t required… I attribute this to Fall Out Boy’s appearance (if you have ever seen them, they blend into their generation comfortably) and their affability with the crowd…

Jenner adored the attention, but still set himself apart… Kourtney Kardashian could have not spoken to a single person and been thrilled… Fall Out Boy mingled, they danced, they didn’t appear to be genuinely enjoying themselves, they were genuinely enjoying themselves… They are and were twenty-five plus year old males with influence, money, and power… And yet they acted as if they were four twenty-five plus year old males who would attend class at Ohio State this morning…

I promised we’d discuss crowd composition and I want to state right now, before you continue reading, that I may offend anyone even if you aren’t one of the people I directly reference… Wednesday’s crowd possessed some bunnies and they were gorgeous…. Unfortunately, the bulk (and the use of that word is intentional) of the crowd was heifers… And I’m not talking the heifers who I usually assail… I’m talking heifers large enough to feed third world nations for decades, five of which, three in black, one in teal, and one in blue, could have formed an offensive line that any running back could have hidden behind for months…

They crowded Sugar Bar’s stage and turned it from normal paradise to nauseatingly putrid… The invaded the cage, grinding their flab until I wanted to puke… They plagued the dance floor and walkway, dancing and pretending as if no one could see them… I saw them… I assume everyone saw them and the image is enough to fill a half dozen trashcans with vomit… And that’s prior to anyone having even a sip of alcohol…

I know what I’ve said isn’t polite and if you abhorred that, you’ll loathe this… Don’t these plus size porpoises realize the obvious as they sit in front of their mirrors? Don’t they realize as they view all of their repulsiveness in their mirror that they have no friends for a reason… That their phones never ring for a reason… I have said it previously, I will say it again, heifers have a right to a social life, but why must they exercise this right? Why must they put us through this horror?

Life isn’t only for the gorgeous… And I’m sure I will have a volume of e-mail because of the last three paragraphs… But, I’m merely speaking honesty to obesity… The heifers I witnessed on this evening should comprehend why they were high school pariahs, college pariahs, and why they remain pariahs… Personality counts only in the case that appearance opens the door… I’m assuming these heifers have had more than a few doors slammed in their faces…

I had zero expectations as Pete Wentz entered the booth for his spin set at approximately one a.m. Obviously, he can write a song… He can play a song… But, could he equal the skills of DJ Samurai or Gonzo…. Would he even attempt this? As Wentz assumed control of the music, he wasn’t starved for attention… Every set of eyes in the venue, from the couch to the mezzanine to the floor was on him…

Now, I mentioned that this crowd was not equivalent to Wahlberg’s crush… What I did not mention was that has it’s advantages… Specifically, I was able to, with relative ease, traverse from the upper mezzanine to the right side of the booth, a simple jump from Wentz… The energy and the visual around him were incredible… I’ve always said that I judge a venue on energy, not on overall crowd size… The energy surrounding Wentz was exemplary…

If only the same could be said for his spinning precision… His song selection was spectacular... “Wonderwall,” “Don’t Stop Believing,” “99 Problems...” He had the crowd frenzied… With that said, I am an untrained evaluator and thus I sought several opinions when the performance concluded… The consensus of those who know what they are speaking of is that Wentz is a great celebrity and a lousy DJ…

As the evening concluded, Gonzo and I sat on the stage in Park Street Patio… This night for various persons and various reasons was triumphant… Not everyone could be considered a sweetheart and some (as I have typed) needed to simply drop dead… But, on this rare occasion, everyone was within steps of someone superior… Everyone, for a few hours, enjoyed proximately to prominence…