This city’s nightlife and reality are polar opposites. Occasionally, reality intrudes upon our exquisite charade. Executives are reassigned. Slingers are removed. Servers are replaced.
Theoretically, Alexa’s Summer Escape (I’ll explain the title) was this evening’s subject. The intoxicating tart will receive the requisite number of sentences, but as frequently occurs obvious and unexpected column material presented itself… And by presented itself, I mean alcohol, embarrassment, and randomness were involved…
Since warm weather commenced, Lodge Bar’s crowd is difficult to evaluate. They separate themselves between the main room and the patio… I would label the individual cliques as scattered, then I pause and consider that if a catastrophic rainstorm struck, the combined mass would rival any evening I witnessed in cold weather…
If a catastrophic rainstorm is a possibility (and it obviously is), can I request one to obliterate every bachlorette in this city? I know that comment may offend anyone and I know that I’ve spent several sentences on this subject and I assume that you are over reading my opinion… You are not half as over reading my opinion as I am stating my opinion… However, the putrid volume of what I witnessed this evening necessitate several additional sentences…
It’s not that I wish to cuddle another controversy in every column, but the excruciating and excremental behavior seems to escalate… Just when I assume I’ve seen every repugnant and ridiculous utilization of a pink plastic penis, these eventual ex-wives embarrass themselves… They embarrass the sanctity of marriage… A necklace of penises? A name tag which reads baby mama?
I know I said this on twitter… Yet, it’s worth repeating for emphasis…. If you’re wearing a penis on your head (anywhere on your person), your nametag should read stupid… You may as well wear a shirt with the words pathetic trash emblazoned upon it… Because that is what you are… Pathetic trash… Your actions clearly crave attention, which makes you pathetic… Your actions indicate that you have zero respect for yourself, which makes you trash…
I have said repeatedly, heifers have a right to a social life… Bachlorettes have no such right… Heifers may ruin my visual, but their insolence is the result of appearance, which is only partially controllable… Bachlorettes choose their penis attire… They choose their insolence and tastelessness… Thus, I can choose to banish them… (and since I haven’t said it yet, save your e-mails)…
Since I’ve mangled bachlorettes and mentioned heifers, I must intertwine the pair for a moment… Amidst a conversation with Joe Information, I asserted that every bachlorette party was forgettable… He countered that one party, a collection of heifers with flower necklaces, was not… Immediately, I realized what I had always assumed and never admitted… My standards are acceptable… Joe’s are exceedingly low…
As the evening progressed, Lodge Bar’s energy remained impressive… Energy was never a concern… The conversation was prevalent… The dance floor was crushed… I didn’t want to depart because the venue was dull… I considered departing because the composition of those inhabiting the venue was dreadful… Fortunately, the favorites salvaged the evening…
Once again, DJ Michael (and I swear, we will alter that name by the next column) was spectacular… I could spend multiple paragraphs discussing how he cultivated this evening’s superb energy, but I will instead state the obvious… No spinner in this city possesses his mix of audacity and style…
Speaking of audacity and style, Jen Bunny frolicked in the spotlight… With the vast majority of muffins, it’s an aspect or a pair of aspects that capture your attention…. With Jen Bunny, it’s the entire experience… Whether encouraging mass consumption of a shot, dancing, or compelling you to dance, Jen is a mesmerizing encounter… She is simply someone attention craves…
While Jen Bunny was alluring, Lindsey Natural ensorcelled my attention… I know I have discussed off the rack previously and even enumerated several examples, but Lindsey Natural (hence her gloss), may be the perfect personification of the term… With a Coach purse on her arm and the most engaging eyes of any platinum bunny I have encountered, Lindsey never invites anyone’s attention… She simply owns it…
Whether it’s dancing on the stage (which wasn’t unique to her) or ordering a shot while singing “Mmmbop,” Lindsey possesses an effortless quality that ninety percent of bunnies (even though they are bunnies) still covet… She will never struggle for the spotlight… Her personality will simply provide it for her…
Another platinum bunny and consistent spotlight object is Lodge Bar Promotions Superstar Kattie Minx… Typically, my mentions are predicated upon an amusing anecdote or important insight the favorite provides… For the purpose of this column material, I don’t need paragraphs to justify Kattie’s inclusion… I don’t need sentences either…. I simply need one unambiguous ten-word statement… No one can rock a pink dress as she can…
I know I promised an Alexa story, but the truth is, I don’t have one… Not one that would rival her previous exploits…. This wasn’t an evening where she danced the cupid shuffle… This wasn’t an evening where she utilized bar equipment as a microphone… On her final evening (see, I explained the title), Alexa was simply the professional, thorough server one would expect…
One month ago, Rick Genius and I shared a conversation and while I will leave the vast majority private, one statement he made merits reprinting… “Alexa could teach servers in this town at their profession ten years about how to be a server…” Rick is correct… Precocious personality aside (although we heart it), Alexa is preeminent in her profession…
As I stood behind the stage, staring toward the Lodge bunnies making it rain napkins, I reflected upon a repetitious question I have received… Anyone who doesn’t comprehend the volume of coverage this venue receives, should meet Jen Bunny, Rick Genius, Joe Information, Kattie Minx, Lindsey Natural, and the intoxicating tart… They should stand with me behind the stage starting toward the entrancing visual… Then, they should consider their question answered…
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1 comment:
Boooo, I read the twitter and we were talking about two different Bachlorette parties. I was talking about the group where they were all wearing little black dresses except the bride who was wearing a little white one. You were talking about the ones with the flower necklaces. I demand my name be cleared.
-Joey I
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